Three months ago, TLB reader Dexter345 and I pieced together the mystery behind the Wii game Opoona. That it's not the horrible looking, lifeless, visually impotent game that it appears to be. It's a sexual odyssey that takes children deep into the Japanese perverse psyche. Sure, the awful gameplay tactics might look like a retarded revisiting to Wakka's FFX heroic dodgeball combat skills, but don't be fooled so easily, in reality it's a profound pollination metaphor. For teabagging. Helping you in combat is General Ovary Ourumov on the right, and Captain Condom on the left. We've already seen penis battles, and this video steps it up a notch with plenty of freaky STD tentacle enemies. There's still no release date announced yet, so we'll just have to save up our skeet strategies until next year for an explosion of joy when it finally gets released.

Let's recap - two days ago we were told about a Wii RPG game that doesn't use the Wiimote:

"Opoona is controlled without touching the Wiimote whatsoever. We only have a brief description of combat from Koei, but they claim movement and "Active Bombom Battle," which encompasses the game's combat scenarios, is controlled entirely by the nunchuck, allowing for one-handed play. Snapping the nunchuck fires projectiles at enemies, whose trajectory can be changed by moving the nunchuck."

Sounds really interesting . . . until you watch this video. "Opoona" is also the name of the main character, who looks exactly like the shitty cartoon character Ziggy if he ate a moogle and cross dressed with Space Channel 5 clothing. I don't think even Miyamoto could save a game like this. The graphics look less imaginative than Blue Dragon's dull cartoon style, and the main walking animation feels as frumpy as the Nintendo 64 quality environments.

However. I do want to rent this game. I didn't buy the Wii for graphics, but this game's lock-on imaginary grid gameplay doesn't look too exciting either. So why is this game worth a rental? Because at three and a half minutes into the video, you fight what is undeniably a penis head monster. Name one other game that has a penis head monster in it. Is it a circumcised monster for extra battle defense? Does it literally shoot yellow piss rays from its face? I rest my case. PEE FIGHT!

Maybe we're underestimating this game, and it's actually a sexual journey in disguise. That would explain those weird balls hanging over everyone's heads - once your testicles descend you level up and finally start having some fun. You only use one hand to play this game for a reason, yes, it all makes sense now. O-poon-a. Dexter345 was right. This game is genius.

Koei has a new game for the Wii that they're working on, here's the simple stuff:

"Opoona is not only the game's title, but the name of the main character, as well. Opoona, a descendant of the brave Cosmo Guards, is visiting the planet Landroll with his family, when he's separated from them and find his parents in the hospital for series injuries and both his brother and sister completely missing. What happened? In Opoona, it's your job to earn a license to travel to other colonies and find out. These licenses are different jobs -- rescuer, idol, detective -- and players pick and choose what they'd like to become."

The interesting part is how it's played though. While everyone's busy trying to be unique by making clever games that utilize the Wiimote, Koei threw the Wiimote idea out and came up with something new:

"Opoona is controlled without touching the Wiimote whatsoever. We only have a brief description of combat from Koei, but they claim movement and "Active Bombom Battle," which encompasses the game's combat scenarios, is controlled entirely by the nunchuck, allowing for one-handed play. Snapping the nunchuck fires projectiles at enemies, whose trajectory can be changed by moving the nunchuck."

Add to that the guy who composed the Final Fantasy 12's soundtrack, and you've got a Wii game worth keeping an eye on.