Three months ago, TLB reader Dexter345 and I pieced together the mystery behind the Wii game Opoona. That it's not the horrible looking, lifeless, visually impotent game that it appears to be. It's a sexual odyssey that takes children deep into the Japanese perverse psyche. Sure, the awful gameplay tactics might look like a retarded revisiting to Wakka's FFX heroic dodgeball combat skills, but don't be fooled so easily, in reality it's a profound pollination metaphor. For teabagging. Helping you in combat is General Ovary Ourumov on the right, and Captain Condom on the left. We've already seen penis battles, and this video steps it up a notch with plenty of freaky STD tentacle enemies. There's still no release date announced yet, so we'll just have to save up our skeet strategies until next year for an explosion of joy when it finally gets released.

Last week's American Virtual Console versus European Virtual Console competition was an easy decision for me, Europe got Super Mario Bros. 2, but my winning vote goes to whichever team has Streets of Rage 2. Which is why, even though America got ActRaiser, Kid Chameleon, and J. J. & Jeff, I've got to go with the European Virtual Console releases this week: Streets of Rage 2, ToeJam and Earl in Panic on Funkotron, Kid Chameleon, World Sports Competition. The first three are all available for 800 Wii Point, and the World Sports Competition will cost you only 600 Wii Points.

In other Virtual Console news, so far Nintendo has sold more than 4.7 million Virtual Console games, at a rate of over 1,000 downloads and hour. They've finally reached their 100th game retro re-release, and on Monday they plan on making the triple digit release plunge with Zelda II – The Adventure of Link. Of all the Zelda games ever released, Zelda II has generally been accepted as the worst in the series, but at least we get another Zelda game to revisit.

Damn you, Nintendo. Just as I had started to get tired of your addictive Mario Kart games, you give us a wacky Wiimote that will probably reinvent the wheel for another year of multiplayer mayhem. According to Jeux-France, Nintendo plans on revealing the next Mario Kart game for the Wii at the upcoming E3 event. The rumors also point to Nintendo finalizing the release dates for Super Smash Bros. Brawl and Super Mario Galaxy, and hopefully presenting plenty of videos for each game as well. In closing, the Nintendo rumor mentioned a "large revelation on the Hardware level," which some are already guessing to be a hidden audio translator chip in the back of the Wiimotes.

Normally when a game has new pictures and a new video clip, I'll put the video up top and the pictures down below. However, when a game like Manhunt 2 looks like shit, the last thing you want to see is Rockstar taking a shit on screen. It's like they had lessons from Uwe Boll himself. I finally took the time to refresh my memory on how good the graphics looked in the first Manhunt game on the PS2 in 2003, and I honestly can't tell any noticeable difference between the quality of the 3D models in the two games. The Wii might use slightly more detailed texture maps, but it seems like that's it.

You can see the video here, although no new plot is revealed in it. I'm more interested in these pictures -- the bloodiest Nintendo game pictures I've ever seen. And by bloodiest, I mean most excessive cheap use of red color filters on screen. I'll probably still buy this game due to its decent sounding storyline, but Manhunt 2 deserves a new title for its efforts to bring out the worst in the Wii. If it dethrones Red Steel of that trophy, then I'll start referring to this game as Red Shit, just so nobody mixes the two up.

You've had more Super Smash Bros. Brawl updates than you can handle? Too bad, here's more racist updates. I say racist, because if there is one set of people I'm racist towards, it is most definitely Delfinos. Fucking hate those Delfinos. I don't care what color Delfino you are, you're fat, and useless, and I hate you. Oh look, a level all about Delfinos, just what I wanted:

"This is the central town of Isle Delfino, the tropical setting of Super Mario Sunshine. Wow! That blue ocean is bright on the eyes. Ahh… It makes me want to swim. This particular battle stage flies around the skies above the island. Fly here and there as you look down on the town below. After a thrilling landing, it becomes a normal battle stage. There are several landing points. This flight path repeats, providing great sightseeing and brawling. The changing scenery is so beautiful, you get absorbed in it. You really feel like a tourist!"

I'm a tourist? Worst tour ever. I hope ten year old terrorists masturbate to goats and then shoot me -- bonus points for telling me what movie that's from. The picture above is just a combined zoom in of two of the four new pictures. I couldn't stand to look at all of Delfino at once, let alone ask you to look at it in all its failure, but if you're feeling daring, feel free to gaze at the gallery below.

Now that they're announcing levels for their game, what other game environments do you want to see make the cut?

The Last Boss's brother site With Leather spotted this geek sport event:

"Wiimbledon is Brooklyn's first -- nay, the world's first! -- Wii tennis tournament. Or maybe it just has a cool name. We're clever like that. Sign up for the email newsletter above, and we'll let you know when the next tourney is."

The Wiimbledon Wii Sports tennis tournament takes place on Saturday, June 23rd, at some random bar in Brooklyn. That's the who, what, where, and how, but I want to know why? Combining Wiimotes and alcohol in a bar has to be some kind of liquor license sports violation. They might as well start a beer bottle fencing league and a fantasy fencing fatality league to bet on who survives each bracket. Besides, everyone knows Wii Baseball is better -- they should make it Shot Glass World Series, where you have to down a drink after every inning.

If you live in New York though, they plan on giving away a Wii to the winners of the singles and doubles tournament, so you might as well check it out. You can find out more information and sign up here.

The new entries on the Super Smash Bros. Brawl site are updates to the rapid-fire items in the upcoming game. Instead of just sitting in one spot and unloading your ammo, you can now aim your weapon to shoot at different angles by titling the control stick up or down. You can even get up and run around while shooting to make combat even more intense.

They also revealed a new weapon with inevitably racist repercussions. What you see in Mario's hand is the Cracker Launcher, which is the "what were they thinking?" name for their firecracker launcher. This pretty much ensures that one in every four players will scream nothing but "Cracka!" each time they use this weapon during gameplay. Which I can tell you're thrilled about. I've got a friend hated acquaintance who used to spend entire games running around with Link yelling "Boom! Headshot!" as he threw bombs and shot arrows at us. He's already banned from playing Brawl with me. Check out the pictures below for more looks at the Cracker Cannon and images of Wario being a fatass.

George Harrison, the guy who claimed Nintendo Wii will sell 35 million copies worldwide by 2012, is back. As Vice President of Marketing, he's got a new bold prediction that seems equally outrageous:

"Nintendo of America Vice President of Marketing George Harrison expects the current console lifecycle to extend beyond the traditional five years and he fully believes that Nintendo will be in complete control with potentially over 50 percent of the market. He also had some harsh words for Sony and Microsoft." 

He backs his words up slightly, although he still comes off as overly bias, yet again. What ever happened to not competing with PS3 and Xbox 360? Now that you're selling like crazy, Nintendo is acting as if the long term trophy is in sight. Well, let's see how things are in three years, Harrison. And until then, try not to lecture about how much better you take care of your customers than Sony or Microsoft. Fix your online setup like we all so desperately want you to, and then we'll talk.

The Nintendo characters just keep getting more and more evil lately. In Mario Strikers Charged we saw Mario's feet of fury, and it seems like his hands are also wreaking havoc. Earlier this week we were shown a somewhat weak looking gooey bomb item in Super Smash Bros. Brawl, and now Nintendo is revealing their showstopper:

The Final Smash is a secret skill that can be performed but once…and only after obtaining an item called the Smash Ball, which is a precious item, indeed. The basic gist of it? I suppose you could say it’s kind of like a powerful and personalized hammer. (Or maybe not…) You can look forward to experiencing the glowing personality behind each of the many Final Smashes!

[Mario's] explosion launches out and expands vertically as it travels, so in order to inflict the most damage possible on enemies, it’s best to release this from a slight floating or midair position on either the left or right side of the screen. If Mario launches this at you, you’d better flee!

In other words, Brawl will bring those magical Mario Golf clubs onto the battlefield, and let you use each others' heads as golf balls. This should allow them to offer varied visual slaughters, and make up for certain characters' weaknesses by over compensating on the kaboom factor of their final smash attacks. In Melee I was always the one to boldly take on enemies who had hammers, so this doesn't bode well for idiots like me. Any predictions on what other characters' final smash attacks might be? I want to see Pit quote the 300 movie and blot out the sun with raining arrows.

Early yesterday I mentioned that ActRaiser was on its way to the Wii's Virtual Console soon, and it's already arrived. Here's this week's update:

ActRaiser (SNES, 1 player, 800 Wii Points): A masterpiece of game design originally released in the early days of the Super Nintendo Entertainment System, ActRaiser’s enduring popularity stems from its revolutionary combination of action- and simulation-based game play. The user plays the role of the Master, a dethroned deity whose once-idyllic world has fallen under the control of the Evil One. Stripped of godly power, the Master must somehow put an end to the Evil One’s reign and rebuild his desolate realm. Game play alternates between two modes: Action and Simulation. In Action mode, the Master must battle against impossible odds to pacify six lands. Pacifying a land unlocks Simulation mode. In this mode, the Master must oversee the development and repopulation of the territory he has reclaimed. In doing so, he will gain followers who gradually restore his godly might, empowering him to take back the next land and, ultimately, defeat the Evil One.

Kid Chameleon (Sega Genesis, 1-2 players, 800 Wii Points): The local arcade is packed with kids, all lining up to play the latest, most realistic videogame they’ve ever seen. It’s called Wild Side, and it uses holographic images to immerse the player in a strange world. But there’s a problem… Kids are literally getting sucked into the game, and now several of them are trapped.Throughout more than 100 levels, you’ll take on several different forms, such as a Berzerker, a Micromax, a Maniaxe or a Skycutter, which will make you much more powerful. It’s up to you, Kid Chameleon, the best gamer in town, to getyourself inside the game so that you can defeat the game’s boss and bring your friends back to reality.

J.J. & JEFF (TurboGrafx16, 1 player, 600 Wii Points): This comical action game features two bungling detectives, J.J. and JEFF, as they travel through a total of six fields. One day, a request comes into their office to take a case that requires them to “rescue a wealthy man who’s been kidnapped.” Choose between the two characters and set off alone to outwit your partner and save the day. Each field is broken down into four areas, where enemies, as well as your partner, will try to keep you from your goal. There are many items throughout each area. Kick around in various locations to make them appear.Jump and spray-paint your way toward your goal. If you find a hidden room, youcan regain health while being completely entertained by its short sketch and surreal allure.

I'll be grabbing Kid Chameleon and ActRaiser this week, how about you? Here's a picture example of each game as usual.