03.16.2007 OPOONA GAMEPLAY FOOTAGE: EWWWW

Let's recap - two days ago we were told about a Wii RPG game that doesn't use the Wiimote:

"Opoona is controlled without touching the Wiimote whatsoever. We only have a brief description of combat from Koei, but they claim movement and "Active Bombom Battle," which encompasses the game's combat scenarios, is controlled entirely by the nunchuck, allowing for one-handed play. Snapping the nunchuck fires projectiles at enemies, whose trajectory can be changed by moving the nunchuck."

Sounds really interesting . . . until you watch this video. "Opoona" is also the name of the main character, who looks exactly like the shitty cartoon character Ziggy if he ate a moogle and cross dressed with Space Channel 5 clothing. I don't think even Miyamoto could save a game like this. The graphics look less imaginative than Blue Dragon's dull cartoon style, and the main walking animation feels as frumpy as the Nintendo 64 quality environments.

However. I do want to rent this game. I didn't buy the Wii for graphics, but this game's lock-on imaginary grid gameplay doesn't look too exciting either. So why is this game worth a rental? Because at three and a half minutes into the video, you fight what is undeniably a penis head monster. Name one other game that has a penis head monster in it. Is it a circumcised monster for extra battle defense? Does it literally shoot yellow piss rays from its face? I rest my case. PEE FIGHT!

Maybe we're underestimating this game, and it's actually a sexual journey in disguise. That would explain those weird balls hanging over everyone's heads - once your testicles descend you level up and finally start having some fun. You only use one hand to play this game for a reason, yes, it all makes sense now. O-poon-a. Dexter345 was right. This game is genius.